LACRIMOSO RIO

It was a cold night when I came out of the theater.

I tried to grab a cigarette out of my pocket when suddenly an old lady,wearing an old trench coat, appeared to hinder my hand. "God bless you son,spare me a dime" after those words she finally freed her clutch from me and I've managed to get my cigarette and as well as my coins.

"Here you go Madame"

She went away after thanking me , I continued my business walking home.

Its been 7 months since I've stopped finding a woman to marry, Its not that I am not ready, I just cannot find who's right for me, or in the other hand,I'm still busy chasing my own life .

The most important thing for me, is to discover what is wrong and what is not in me,I know its sounds selfish, but yes, I am busy trying to understand myself at the age of 29 and neglecting all the important things and people around me.

Its past 8 o'clock when I arrived

And since my apartment is on room 510 ,Its a pain in the ass to climb a thousand steps after walking such a great distance because the elevator is on maintenance every Tuesday .Its a studio type, my apartment, with a wooden floor,white wallpaper, and some old appliances that I bought when I still have my job as a comic artist in a reputable magazine.After opening the door ,I turned on the lights and started to take my clothes off then started to make my dinner.I have noticed that my life was starting to be in repetition.

The time was 10 o'clock, when I have finished my meal.After washing the dishes,I entered my bedroom,a small room,with blue wallpaper,sturdy bed, and a black mattress.I reached for my pencil and a paper. Drawing is one of my pastime, Back then ,when I still have my job, I used to draw some mischievous comic strips that the town,later on, accepted and became a fan of it.

    








I tried to imagine the things that I want to draw,And I came up with an idea to portray the woman of my dreams...........................

A disturbing headache have awoken me from a deep slumber.I slowly opened my eyes ,and they have revealed to me ,the most lovely scene that even words cannot describe.For a second I thought that somebody killed me in my sleep for the place that I am projecting was so unreal for the human eye.There were green lands everywhere I look,the clouds were as thin as silk but still they were white as snow in winter.the arrangement of trees was disturbing, the colors were enough for me ,In that moment I felt serenity ,a glimpse of hope , I suddenly reminisced about my childhood life,

no worries

no efforts

no rules

and most of all

no problems

I smiled ,and looked up ,but there was something in my head that started a spark of anxiety in me,

"what if I am dead already? Is the question that surrounded my thoughts for a while.

The tone,filled with melancholy but at the sametime has a petite amount of elegance, was getting stronger as if,it was leading me blindly .I have no idea of what may occur once I meet the person who's singing the lovely tune, that drives me to the unknown. 

My ears lead me to a tree infested place ,it was so mystical ,as if I was inside a fairy tale,the smell of leaves filled my nose as I inhaled heavily to catch my breath.The voice ceased ,I thought that my imagination is playing games with me ,for I was inside a dream.A whisper suddenly disturbed the silence , and I quickly turned around to look.

who's smile made the ships sink

and she thinks of nothing ,but to love me

she whispered forever ,I would worship thee."

I was gobsmacked upon seeing the mystical figure in front of me. A woman , with hair that covers her ears but not long enough to reach her neck. She has lips tinted like vermilion and a nose,so perfect as if it was sculpted by an artist.Her structure was not too thin and her skin was whiter than the blanket of snow in December . But what mesmerized me in an instant, was her eyes ,deep like the void and enigmatic like a poet.

Her body was a work of art made for perfection,one look could ease the anger of a tempest.Her own skin was the only cover she had in her body and I have pretended not to see ,for me to avoid some unnecessary feelings at that moment.She stood mysteriously there as I stared until I have decided to break the silence by asking the lovely creature about this place.

Oh ! the tension, when she toured me into the land of unknown .she never dared to utter a word,and yet it was alright for the grace that her movements were making was enough for my senses.We arrived at a gate with bars like coal and heads ,sharper than a knife's end.She opened it with a foreign phrase ,I was amused of how she delivered the words.And as the gates permitted us to pass, I was cheated by my eyes once again,the maiden revealed to me, a garden full of flowers which are unknown to my mortal mind.These were dark colored roses with red thorns,singing lily's and bleeding tulip.Some of them was like stitched together ,and to my surprise, flowers that were coated with human skin. My imagination can hold no more for the scene was too unreal for me. I have picked up the sound of an infant's wail, murmurs and moans but was stunned to discover that they were only trees,which were covered with human arteries.

The amusement made me forget about my lady, I wasted no time ,I rushed to find her but she was nowhere to be found. Then my blindness lead me to a river,so clear ,I can see the origin of its surface,the soil underneath ,it was red,like milady's lips,and the water above reflects it,though i felt no sense of thirst that time. I tried to taste the water.

My stomach rejected the water for its taste was salty ,like freshly drawn tears.

But then a whisper suddenly disturbed me once again

"LACRIMOSO RIO"

"Where are you milady?" I gently whispered,My spine tingled when I felt her cold fingers clutching my neck.

"How did you get there?"

"I am here ,my creator ,whenever you choose to summon my presence."

after those words

...............

I felt my knees trembling like an upheaval inside me,my vision is failing ,I can not hear a single sound I saw the whole place tearing like paper being devoured by flames.I strive to reach the summit of my strength and screamed one last question.

"WHO ART THEE

Who's beauty drained the sea?

WHO ART THEE?

Who's reflection covers me?

WHO ART THOU?

Who's smile calms the tempest?

WHO ART THOU

who's skin ,fairer than the empress

WHO ART THOU

Who's words made me suffer endless nights

WHO ART THEE

who's beauty claimed the northern lights

With a dying light ,I saw her lips move to say her name.

"Her flesh ,White as the clouds of heaven

Hair,dark and short like my imagination

Lips red,like the blood of a raven

And when she smiled at me with contemplation

I saw her eyes ,I have never seen a pair

similar to those,of hers

for those eyes were extremely rare

more of a gift ,than a curse

And then winter came

I wished to stay for eternity

she whispered her name

that sent me back to reality"  ....................  " DAHLIA"

PART 2

A pinch of light reminded me that I still need to return into my world of reality,in that moment, I can't tell which of this two worlds,is my reality.My head was still buried to my unearthly experience.Her name kept on ringing inside my ears ,like an echo from the abyss. I can smell her skin, her warmth, it felt like , as if my body aged a thousand years. I was stunned for a moment , then Ive decided to make myself a meal . Its Wednesday ,I have to meet some friends and have a drink. I have spent my whole day applying for a job online, then the clock strikes at 7 o'clock , A signal for me to prepare for the upcoming dinner. They had a  hell of a time but me,I had something in mind ,Dahlia, I can hear her voice ,calling my name,..echoes, repeating,..until my head couldn't take it anymore.I asked for their permission and lied about the reason of my sudden departure.. With  a hint of disappointment  carved in their faces, they've permitted me to go .

As fast as lightning ,Ive reached my apartment. I was just on time to avoid the terrible rain outside. I tried to sleep ,but I can't. Ive done all the methods that i knew ,but still not an inch of inertia  struck me. The lights went out,A flash of light outside showed me the paper that I have used last night.I was dilapidated, to see my unfinished work...

the face so familiar to me.Its her,Drawn perfectly as if Shes in front of  me .Yet I cannot understand nor remember,that she was the woman of my dreams,the one that Ive drawn last night.

I don't know why,but I felt a sudden agitation in me..I have no memory of me ,portraying her.Never expected that she was the result of my Imagination. She's not just the woman of my fantasy,but also a symbol of my confusion,grief ,obsession and other emotions that my soul created.I felt vertiginous as if the ceiling was slowly evaporating.

Then , the smell of my room....familiar to my nostrils..

                                                                       "COME BACK"

"Every night she sang to me

the legies and poems of thee

of how she asked for the heavens plea

just to set my arms free

Among the women,I knew

Oér the blackness, and darkness

and upon the dying glow

she's the light of my blindness

She lied ,just to bind my hands in her

in chains vines,and words

for she long for me to stay forever

in sorrow ,upon seeing me,loneliness surged"

I am back, once again ,inside my paradise.and there she stood, waiting for my return,wearing a black dress with a design so unimaginable ,Ive seen nothing like her dress in my world.Black is the only word that describes the dress she wore.She's smiling ,a smile that even your minds eye could see,a smile that can soothe the wounds of yesterday

Ive seen nothing in my world.And again we went inside her mystical garden,there she called  a canoe that strides in the river of tears.I helped her in,Ive noticed that her feet were bare.The canoe was just like the other plants and trees,it was made of human skin.but at the bottom,right beside the tip,lies a pair of eyes,watching us as we chat and whispered.All i can see,is her beauty,reflecting at the mirror like presence of the river.,all i can hear,is static,as if my eyes are the only part of me that works.The leaves are falling ,seasons are changing like wildfire.She never aged a bit.Ive been there for like a minute,but with her,Its seemed like eons.She became a part of me,even though I knew,that she's just a fragment of my imagination.A mere dream of my desperation..

As I  stared unto her like a work of art,the water began to move up,just like before,and i know that it was time for me to wake up.I bid her goodbye ,and for the last time ,she smiled.As if everything's going to be alright.

        ....When I ,tried to reach you

.................the

        flames,,...........wont let me

            when..........when I.........tried to love you

           the wounds.......started to renew..

                    when I........when I ........when...when

             I....tried to          ...

                                 tried..to              ...                

     Leave.......

      You ,....

        already left.........

I woke up in a hospital.,Ive been sleeping for 3 days already.The doctor said that my friends were going to visit me at the apartment ,when they've suddenly saw my body ,on the floor.sweating heavily,and my mouth was opened so wide  two fist could fit into it.There is no explanation for it,but I was in a coma..The only thing I remembered,was my dream.

But why?and how.Was it a nightmare?Or a devil,trying to devour me?

All I knew was that I am obsessed with her.Like there was a part of me left inside .I must ,go back..And live with her

 forever.

Four days have passed,and i was out of the hospital...four days without sleep,four days without seeing my creation.

I rode a cab and then inside my apartment,Tried to clean my room that was left empty when i was still admitted.Her drawing was still there,I stared for a moment into the depths of nothingness.Then decided to clip it inside my notebook,together with my other drawings,poems and songs.The phone rang,I rushed to answer it.It was one of the companies that Ive applied ,the caller told me to visit their company for an interview tomorrow,And I have agreed.The job offer was once in a lifetime,I applied as a song writer for commercials and other TV ads .

It 's 11 o'clock,I don't know why,but I was so excited for the interview tomorrow,that  I cant stop myself from imagining things.I haven't noticed that my eyes were beginning to close.

In barren land,I lay.The atmosphere was different from before.there was the sound of horrific cries everywhere,and the smell of burning hair.The plants that I once knew,was nowhere to be found.,.I traced the location of her garden ,Yes the path was the same,but the environment was far more worst.The gate was there but I can see noway to enter it,for the iron n which the gate was made,is burning ,as if it survived from a firestorm.my vision could not wander inside for the smoke covered the whole area,I tried to call her name,but nothing appeared.I looked at the sky,there were cracks,slowly appearing everywhere.

Where is she,What happened?

           Hunger,......

        yearning

        for eons

        the hope

           of your return

        faded

          forever

         faded

            like a feather

        hope

            is there any left?

                F or me   here?inside ? burning? trapped alone, will you return for our story or finish it?

                                                                                
part 3

I woke up in the middle of the night,sweating as if i was buried alive. What happened to my world, My human knowledge could not perceive the answer to those questions.I know that all of it was happening in my mind,and I was amused to know that sometimes,even you, can't control your own imagination.I stood up,then switch the lights on.I almost screamed ,for I have discovered ashes,covering my mattress.Where did it come from?Is it possible that sometimes ,your dreams and nightmares can slip pass your mind,and turn to life?

It was disturbing,and I could not help myself from thinking.Since it was  the day of my interview,I cleared my head from negative thoughts and focused it on my job.The interview consumed two hours of my time,I felt my stomach,its  killing me already,so i rushed to the nearest food chain to get a meal.After eating,I took the train  home.I grabbed my notebook,wrote something ,then turned the pages.My sketch,of dahlia,fell to the floor,I hurried to pick it up before someone step on it.At the next station,there were tons of people entered the train,the notebook still clutched in my hands.One station left and Ill be leaving the train,my phone rang,I took a glimpse of the callers name,it was important, a call from the company.I carefully laid the notebook on my lap,then answered the phone.After the call,the last station was up,and I quickly stood ,Ive forgot the notebook,it fell from my lap,I have tried to find it but lots of people were leaving the train ,I was pushed ,away from the door,my notebook was no where to be seen.The train has left,I was there still in awe and grief.

Ive lost it.along with my poems and songs .along with the picture of my Dahlia.I went home,still grief  stricken.Upon arriving ,i threw myself on the bed,and slept through my disappointments.

"A FOOL,LOST THE KEY

AND THOU SHALT NOT ENTER

THE PARADISE  WITH ME"

part 4

Nothing,No sign of my inner utopia.,Nothing ,only blackness and sand...sands that entered 
the spaces between my  toes.No songs,It felt like ,my senses were dulled in that moment.
The absence of my soul.The silence.Where is she,once again,Ive asked myself.At this moment,
I would give anything,just for somebody to show up.The numbness,devouring,entering my skin.
The sky ,there's nothing there.Only an empty space,
My feet pulled me down.

Once again,where am I?????

I have opened my eyes ,But the world where I belong,was just a reflection of the world that I was projecting now.

The sands,and the air that I breathe.The nothingness,and the repetition of days.I'm living in a void,with no direction,a bottomless pit of delusion.

And before I fall in the depths of my own words,A gentle knock outside my door ,saved me from my illusions.I stood and looked at the mirror,I walked towards the door to meet my visitor.As I have took  a step closer ,The gravity seems to bury me ,my eyes are getting heavier each time,My hand reached the knob,twisted it,Light surged, and blinded me for a moment,then a voice ,so familiar,I could recognize it in the dark.As the obstruction of light ceased,I have regained my sight .My body collapsed,a sudden corruption of  astonishment prevented me from moving.There is not a single word in the human tongue could  explain the feelings that surrounded me at that time.I know who "she"is.

"when your senses dull

and whispers started to prevail

at the point of mull

when you inhale and can no longer exhale

the shadows guided you

through the visions of old

inside the depths of blue

beyond the riches and gold

A world of dreams

projecting the beauty of things

but Its only a nightmare of screams

a graveyard of fallen kings

and inside the deepest catacomb

there she sings

dark as your mother's womb

in insanity and broken wings

at the moment you awake

the life out of you,she will rip

and steal the reality ,you will wake up

                                                                            starting from the moment you sleep"

"Good day mister, I have found your notebook at the train yesterday,it has your name on it,and luckily i was just a couple of blocks away from you ,so I have decided to return it to the owner"

I was still in shock and was unable to speak for a brief moment,

"oh ,don't worry ,I haven't peeked inside"then she smiled.

Nothing,not even an inch of difference from Dahlia.Her skin,her eyes,her voice.....Her smile....

Everything.Am I still dreaming?She stared at me with a look out of worry.I snapped out of my thoughts and answered her

"oh well thank you miss,would you mind if I asked you to join me in my breakfast?

She agreed ,and I let her sit beside my drawing table,while I hid the notebook somewhere safe from her sight,for the sketch of dahlia could ruin our first meeting.I was panicky ,I do not know what to do first.I made her some sandwich and coffee,she asked me to sit and we had a chat.

"so,where do you live?

"Uhm,I'm staying with my aunt right now ,at her apartment in  Elizabeth ST."

"you were right,that's a couple of blocks from here,since when did you move?"

"a week ago,after my graduation"

"oh! that's why ,I have never seen you before,by the way,what is your name my dear?

"Anvy, Anvy Hildegarde."

Shes a graduate student from a foreign country,and shes just on a vacation .We have talked for a while ,but I was still not contented with her existence,what if I was still in a dream?Or my head was not fully recovered .

She entertained me,even though we haven't met in real life,for me,she is my Dahlia..My thoughts were flying at that moment,it seems like A part of me was chatting with her while the other part was thinking of something else.

"Its getting late,mister,I have to go now,by the way thanks for the breakfast and nice meeting you."

"oh my,time flies when you enjoy it,your welcome,but wait,Am I going to see you once again?

"sure,heres my number"

She gave me a piece of paper with her number on it,I gladly took it, and  waved goodbye to her.

Was that real?I pinched myself and slapped my face,Yes,Indeed,She is real,

"Vivid lady Vomiting on a Veranda"

Yearning for Years of  Yielding

Nocturnal and Nostalgic  yet,Numb

Affliction was Affecting the Abelmosk"

   The infatuation was deadly,and aggresive. Ive spent my days ,seeing her,Everything was perfect,No more repetitions.I have my job,And I am serious about my growing emotions with her.She is perfect,she loves music,art and other things that I am interested in .There is special  about her , she is not like any other women I knew ,for shes not into material things.and she fights for the things that she believe.

Its been two months since my last dream about Dahlia,I was happy,but something was not right,something was missing...

It was dusk when I  have returned from work. The rain was harsh outside,Thunder claps evertywhere,and the wind,brutally tearing my ears apart.The lights went off,once again,just like before..I could not see a thing,I have tried to reach my   desk  hoping that my lighter was there.My hand,finally reaching for the drawer,I carefully pulled it out,lightning flashed ,and there was a small light that entered the room.Then,I saw something familiar,and something that is missing in me.

I saw her drawing,I picked it up and as well as my lighter.Ive lit a candle ,then opened the notebook.A sudden rush of  dizziness tapped inside me,as if someone hpnotized at that time.I fell into a deep slumber.

                                                                            "Broken memories

Of our  long lost affection

Once was clear as glass"

The smell of ink,inside my nostrils.It prevented me from breathing.I have to run away from the it..The place was a complete nightmare,all the horror that you can describe is here,sewn together and been summoned.The soil was moving,there was blood on the surface,the sky have fissures .the sounds of the rattling chains and heavy machineries are everywhere although you cannot even see who's producing them,the clouds were black ,the trees were screaming ,and their skin,that was once as pink as a baby's palms,were now marked and infested with boils.The lake ,was tainted with unknown chemicals,What is this place?The smell of ink was replaced by rotting human flesh,the rattling of chains was superseded by aweful cries that pierced my ears,as if a Banshee was giving me a warning .Ive ran and ran across the field of horror,At the center of my nightmare,was a tree ,so grotesque ,its branches were long and twisted,the trunk was black and I can see lots of blood pouring from it .what shook me was the fruit,the tree,was bearing ropes in a form of a slipknot.After seeing it ,Someone stepped from the back of it,At first I did not recognize the figure ,but then ,her voice introduced me to her.

Even though with a horrific and unimaginable apperance,her voice never changed.Her hair,black,but the strands were falling,the lips that was once ,perfect,was been shredded ,the skin ,was still white as winter,but scabbed and scalded,the only part of her that remained,was her eyes.She walked straight into me,and fell, I kneeled to catch her,she looked at my eyes,touched my lips,

"For eons I have waited for thy flesh to be felt,For thy voice ybe heared ,for thine eyes to be seen

Alas ,the lies hath blinded thee.Neglection,destroyed thy creation,and I hath been removed from thy heart."

Those words scarred my soul,I have nothing to say.

I was there ,holding her dying body,my senses have ignored all that was around me.the smell,the filth the heat ,the horror.

She was the only thing in my head.She is my only concern.

Inside my,I was fainting,with grief and regrets.But my body showed no affection,nor a tear ,just to ease the pain.

Nothing,as if my soul left my body.My strength ,failing,I fell ,losing the clutch on her body,

I was back ,inside the void of my world,I could not get up,It felt like as if someone special to me,died today. As if my  mouth was sewn shut...

I could not feel anything,... 

An hour have passed,and still I was there,I did not think  of work,or food,nothing,I was not in the mood for anything.

It was afternoon already,and upon looking at my calendar,I was sleeping for two days.I took a glimpse of my phone's screen,there was thirty messages,from the company and my friends,....but none ,from ANVY

Did something happened to her?

I do not know...

I took a bath afterwards.Then tried to walk ,and find the Street, Where she lives.Weve been dating for almost a month,but she never showed me her house..Its weird for the sky to be reddish in the afternoon,Everyone was eyeing on me,I quickened  my pace.The atmosphere was eerie,the wind is whistling,but its sharpness,chilled my spine. My vision is darkening,but I could see,ahead of me was Elizabeth St. Then I have looked back,there was not a single human being behind me,the stores,the stalls all of them,was empty.I went back ,but the sign was nowhere to be found.there was nothing,but emptiness,Then all went back to me.

I was still asleep,but this time,permanently.I was asleep since I was born,...

I am living for 29 years,inside the lies,the oblivion,falsehood,and treachery of life.

I neglected the only thing that was real for me..My dream,my creation, a Sanctuary for my salvation.

I was breaking down,Im falling apart,I have noticed something,The sky,was bathing me with white tears.

The coldness,that could only match the frozen pulp of my feelings.

"The final toll of the  black bell

       Sending souls in heaven  or hell

  

                a casket filled with agony 

                of songs ,and unfinished poetry

Of  forgotten romance

and punished defiance

Of regrets and memories

redemption and tragedies

a blanket of guilt covered thee

into decay ,and a broken eternity.

Of  a ruptured vein

and of poisoned rain

the failing vision

and unfinished season

of angst and sorrow

to live and die tomorrow

of a mother's gentle hands

and of vermilion sands

inside the gathering that cries

and as well as the murmuring flies

a blanket of guilt covered thee

into decay ,and a broken eternity

I kneeled ,living mortality,and two uneven foot prints.below me was a  flower.........

A black Dahlia ,rare,elusive and lovely.I tried  to pick it up,I piled ,and pulled .but at the end of the roots,the white soil revealed to me  ,the corpse of my lady.Cold yet serene.A face to die for.Shes the most lovely acreation that my eyes were dying to see for a long time.I grasped her freezing hand,Carried her corpse across the earth.A tree ,was there,a tantalizing white tree,with long pointed branches amazed me.there ,I laid her body,I sat to regain my strength,but Its seemed like life was slowly ,leaving my body.With a cold breath,I have inhaled my last,and stared at the lavender sky .

The flower was still in my hand,with my remaining strength,I pinned it behind her ear,.Im ready to leave now.And with my last ,strand of life,Ive heared her voice,uttering my name.

All that I ve been through

all that I have seen

They were all nothing

'but a dream withn a dream."

"A soft song for the surmounting  sunset and the final sunrise"

The End.